Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
