I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
