And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
