I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize