After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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