Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
