i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
