I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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