I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize