I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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