I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
