I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
