Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
