Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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