I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
