Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
