So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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