woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The uberlube is also flammable
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
