you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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