If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
