My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
