I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
