I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
