I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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