You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
