someone get that fucking seahorse.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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