Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
