I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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