I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
