Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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