Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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