wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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