if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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