I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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