You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
