Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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