I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
