I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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