she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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