I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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