evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You left your phone here
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