TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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