Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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