This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
