You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
