The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
