Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
