What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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