i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
