I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
