32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
