I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
