I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
