Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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