he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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