Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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