Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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