I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize