the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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