Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have aggressive nipples.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
