The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
