knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
