I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
