just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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