i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
